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05 December 2006 @ 03:19 pm
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10 October 2006 @ 10:06 am
I'm about to start messing around with my LJ to make all past and future entries friends only. I have so many lovely friends now I want you all to feel safe and secure posting on my journal so maybe its not fair to keep it open. I'll be updating my friends list, all you guys who comment regularly will definately stay :)
09 January 2006 @ 03:43 pm
I feel like a domestic goddess today!! I have just baked 12 mince pies, i put ground almond in the pastry so they should taste yummylicious (look, I made a word up!!). I am keeping 2 for me and 2 for aaron.. the rest I'll take into Victoria House with me tomorrow and let everyone else finish them. If there is food in the house I'll just eat it otherwise!!! I was 140lb this morning so I am feeling confident I'll get to 120lb and stay there... even better, I am doing it healthily with 3 meals a day and the occaisonal yummy snack (ie mince pie or two *blush*).

I also made up a salad for dinner last night with the first of my home grown courgettes. Too cool!!!
04 January 2006 @ 09:10 am
Ack. New Year. Can't believe the last year has passed so quickly. I feel like I have gotten nowhere in the last year. Bah humbug. I just started to go to a day centre for mental health called Victoria House. It's real hard with my agoraphobia as I have to drive for nearly an hour to get there (the joys of living in the country!!) but I really think it will help me get better and expand my boundries as the psychs say!! So I intend to go twice a week from now on.

I'm still fat. Boo. But I'm determined this year to get down to 120 lb. 142 is just FAT!! It's funny though.. I am so much better than when I was anorexic. I cant believe I got down to 87 lbs, I cant believe how terrible I felt. I really want to get to and stick at 120 lb this time.

Well, today I get to meet a new psychiatrist in town. aaargh, another hour drive! I hate meeting new psychs as they always ask way too many questions. Just give me my drugs goddam it!!! :)
07 December 2005 @ 11:57 am
My weight today is: 56kg

I'm starting to think I really really need to get serious about losing some of this weight now. I keep saying to myself.. today I start a diet and I WILL lose some of these rolls but then the chocolate *looks* at me. But when I bend over my tummy does the folds of fat thing. Eeek. Too much gack. I've been thinking of going back to my old bulimic ways since saying no to food has been all but impossible.. Hmmm. Then I think back to my hospital ways and how it spiraled out of control and how ill I felt all the time. OK so that option is out. I'm going to try REALLY hard to lose weight healthily. Salads and at least 2 litres of water a day. Yup. Like that.

Had a good talk to Aaron in the bath yesterday. I keep getting so frustrated with being agoraphobic. I just cant accept it like my CBT counsellor says I need to. How can I accept not being a *real* person anymore. I cant work, I cant do things by myself, I cant handle the panic attacks. But Aaron usually manages to put things into more of a perspective. I will try harder to be more accepting of my life and how it is NOW (not how I want it to be).


I've been getting lots of milk from Angel and Honey, nearly enough to try making my own cheese. I would love to be more self-suffiecient. Getting closer now... if only the naughty lamb, Raven, would keep OUT of my vege patch and NOT eat my damn veges. Humph. But she's so sweet :) Oh yeah, and the damn goats didnt eat my fruit trees!!


Enough for now.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
29 November 2005 @ 11:25 am
I've been keeping too much shit to myself recently. I have a support worker and a CBT guy thingy but I really CAN'T talk to them properly. Boy do I miss my friends from Edinburgh. I feel like I'm bursting full of... I dunno... stuff..

I get so frustrated with not being able to do enough. I spend most of the day reading forums and pissing around on the computer. I want to feel vital and energized, I want to decide to do something and be full of enthusiasm for it. But no, I am slow and kinda depressed. Not DEPRESSED like I used to be but still *down*. I just have no motivation. I KNOW the dishes need doing and the house needs vacuuming and washing needs doing but DOING these things is an entirely different matter. *sigh*. So day after day is wasted. Year after year is wasted.

I am going nowhere and I am nothing.

We have no spare money for food or petrol or clothes yet I can't do anything about it. I wish I could work. I know it makes Aaron feel crap that we have so little money but at least he's earning. I'm just doing nothing expect spending money and feeling crap.

I've gotta laugh coz everyone thinks I am so much better than I used to be but I still feel like nothing is worth it. I still feel like self-harming most days. I still wish I could swallow a bottle of sleeping pills and not think or worry or feel so goddam useless each day. I don't even know what it is that stop me doing these things any more. More self respect I suppose and more responsibilities. It's not just me any more, It's Aaron and Merlin and Max and... too many *things*.


On the up side I really want my garden to look good and I'm trying to grow yummy veges this year. I'll pester Aaron less if I have veges to eat anyway!!! I've been getting out the house a bit more than usual to dig, weed , strim and haul bits of dirt around. Front garden is looking better, the plants are filling up all the empty spaces and I've re-edged with bigger rocks. Looks cool. Have to work out how to add pics in here!

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Ah ha. Like that.

That's enough for now.
Current Mood: full of stuff
Current Music: Jewel - Foolish Games